Guilt
by Brook18
Summary: AU. After Derek's death it becomes clear just how much Amelia is struggling with guilt. When Callie comes to talk to Owen about her, he does the only thing he knows will help her, and calls up an old friend.


"Amelia! This isn't on you!" Arizona yelled after her as Amelia rounded the corner. She was trying her very best to get away from the OR, away from people. To find a quiet place where she could break down without anyone bothering her. But Arizona was having none of it and was still following her, despite Amelia's insistence that she wanted to be alone.

She stormed into the attendings lounge, knowing that it was probably empty this time of night, and slammed the door behind her. This didn't stop Arizona however and she walked in right behind her, just as Amelia reached the bathroom.

Desperate for some quiet she locked the door and slumped down on the floor. But the peace didn't last long as Arizona knocked on the door. "Amelia can you let me in please, we need to talk".

Amelia had every intention just to ignore her until she finally went away, but just then she heard her pager buzzing and she looked to see if she was needed. It wasn't actually urgent, just a general page for anyone on call, but she got up anyway.

As she opened the door she noticed Arizona was now standing further away, almost closer to the exit than to the bathroom door.

"I got a page. I have to go" Amelia said and she tried to push past Arizona. But the blonde wouldn't budge, "Absolutely not. You just came out of a eight hour surgery, you're not going anywhere. Someone else can take the page while you take a break".

It was the exact opposite of what Amelia wanted to hear and she stepped back, face fuming. "I can't take a break! Why doesn't anyone understand that I can't take a break! If I take a break my patient dies. If I take a break and I'm not there on time their brain injury becomes fatal. I can't take a break!".

Arizona cautiously put up her arms in a calming motion, "Amelia, you can't take on everything. You can't save everyone. None of this is on you". She was referring to the little boy they'd just lost. His brain bleed had been too massive to resolve and that topped with his other injuries had resulted in his death.

But Amelia wasn't just thinking about the little boy. She was thinking about everyone she'd ever lost. Her father, her fiancé, her baby, and now her brother. She was toxic to a point where every man she'd ever loved had died.

"You don't get it!" Amelia yelled, emotions finally catching up with her and tears forming in her eyes, "Every man I have ever loved has died! I'm the common denominator". Her guilt was overwhelming her now that she was finally giving herself the chance to fully feel it. "And with Derek.. his death is even more on me" She suddenly slowed down and her voice became barely more than a whisper, "I wished his shadow was gone. So many times I wished I wouldn't be the other doctor Shepherd. Be careful what you wish for kids" She said sarcastically.

Arizona felt her heart breaking at the sight of her friend in so much pain. She too had lost her brother but it seemed as though death had followed Amelia Shepherd all her life. That didn't mean she was responsible though. It just meant the poor woman had the worst luck in the world.

"Hey" Arizona said, "You loving them doesn't warrant their death sentence Amelia. You're not at fault. Plenty of people that you love are still alive. If anything you're strong for surviving all these losses".

Amelia sank down on the couch with her head in her hands. Tears were streaming down her face now. "How can I keep loving people if I know they'll end up dead because of it?" She asked, and even though it was a rhetorical question, Arizona felt the need to answer. "You just do. Because it's better to have lost and loved than to have never loved at all".

She sat down on the coffee table across Amelia and put her hands on Amelia's shoulders. The neurosurgeon tensed but didn't shy away. Then she looked up again. "I've done loss. There comes a point where love doesn't outweigh it anymore. Eventually the good stops outbalancing the bad".

Her voice was filled with all the pain in the world and Arizona wanted nothing more than to hug her right now, but she had no idea if Amelia would be okay with that. Instead she opted for more rationalisation. "Amelia, you didn't cause anyone to die. And you loved Derek, you never would've wished for him to actually be gone".

Amelia shook her head. "How can I let myself love him when there's even the slightest chance that it'll end up killing him?".

It was obvious that she was talking about one specific person. Arizona had her suspicions about who it was, but that wasn't important right now. "You take the risk, because it's worth it. I'm sure he'd feel the same".

But Amelia shrugged Arizona's hands off of her shoulders. "No, I can't do this anymore" She said, jumping up from the couch, "I can't keep letting people get close to me and killing them in the process. I can't". And with that she ran out, leaving behind a stunned and worried Arizona.

 _xXx_

"Hunt!" A voice called, and Owen looked up to see Callie standing by the reception desk, waving him over.

He walked her way, "Torres, what do you need?". Callie seemed to hesitate for a bit, but then she said "Have you been talking to Amelia at all?". Owen was thrown off by the question but then he shook his head. "No, any reason why you're asking?".

"Look, I'm only asking because Arizona told me she's blaming herself for Derek's death. And she's been working none stop. Someone needs to stop her before she runs herself into the ground".

Owen was definitely worried now, but he didn't let it show. "I'm not the chief anymore, you should talk to Webber. I can't help you". Callie raised her eyebrows in exasperation. "I'm not talking to you as the chief, I'm talking to you as her whatever it is you were".

He pretended not to know what she was talking about and gave her a questioning look. She wasn't fooled though. "Don't play dumb. You obviously had something going for a while there, and now you're walking around on eggshells trying to pretend that everything's okay". She paused momentarily and sighed, "I get it okay, it's hard. But right now she needs someone and there aren't that many people left that care about her enough to help".

Callie was right and he knew it, so he nodded. Satisfied that he would deal with it Callie walked away with a smile on her face. But Owen knew that he couldn't fix this, no matter how much he wanted to, especially now that he was about to leave on another tour. Besides, Amelia had made it abundantly clear that she didn't want him around, and he wouldn't dishonor her wishes.

There was one thing he could do though. He took his cell out of his pocket and searched for the right phone number. He still had it from a while back, just in case, and he hoped she still used it. He dialed and brought the phone to his ear, patiently waiting.

After ringing a half a dozen times, someone finally picked up the phone. "This is Addison Forbes Montgomery speaking".

Owen sighed in relieve that she'd picked up. "Dr. Montgomery, this is dr. Owen hunt, from Grey Sloan Memorial. Do you have a minute?".

"Chief Hunt" Addison said, interest piqued, "I remember. How can I help you?".

He paused before he answered, "It's just doctor now actually. And I'm calling about a personal matter. It's about Amelia". He knew they had been good friends throughout Amelia's life, that's why he'd decided on calling Addison.

"Is she okay?" Addison asked immediately and Owen considered her question. He didn't know how to answer it. "I'm not sure. I… She's not talking to me. I just know she isn't dealing with Derek's death, and I'm worried about her".

It was unusual for him to be this open and honest, especially with people he barely knew, but this was for Amelia, and he had to make Addison understand why he was calling.

Addison couldn't help but jump to the worst conclusions. This was her baby sister, her son's guardian, someone she loved so dearly. But this had also been hurricane Amelia, who was a drug addict. And she couldn't help but worry that Amelia would relapse anytime something went wrong.

"Is she.. Is she using again?" She asked, even though she didn't want to, even though she didn't want to know the answer. Owen took a moment to answer and Addison's heart skipped a beat. "I don't think so. Like I said, she's keeping her distance. But we've been watching for signs, Webber and me, and we think she's still sober. But I'm afraid she won't be for long if she carries on like this".

He didn't need to say anything more for Addison to understand what he meant. Amelia had always had a tendency to bury herself in her work whenever things got tough, to the point where she'd work herself into the ground.

"I'm getting on the first available plane to Seattle". It didn't matter that she had patients to see. Amelia was family and she had to help her if she could. "Can you make sure she's in the hospital when I arrive?".

Owen huffed. "That shouldn't be a problem. She never leaves anymore. But I'll make sure I know where to find her. Text me when you land".

This was one absurd situation. The two barely knew each other but still they were working together now. Joining forces to keep a shared loved one from burning up.

After arranging a few more details, and making more plans, Owen finally said goodbye and hung up. Satisfied that help was on the way.

 _xXx_

When Amelia walked into the attendings lounge after her shift had ended she stopped dead in her tracks as she saw who was sitting there. Addison. The redhead looked up as she entered and smiled warmly, but Amelia could just stare.

"Hello to you too" Addison playfully greeted, and she got up from the couch she'd been occupying. "It's so good to see you Amelia! You look great".

She hugged her little sister close and Amelia finally seemed to be over her shock as she gently pulled away. "What are you doing here Addie?" Amelia asked as they made their way over to the couch together.

"I was worried about you".

Amelia gave her a scrutinizing look. "You've been worried for weeks. Why the sudden need to hop on a plane and come see me?".

Addison smiled. "Because I wanted to see you, and because you weren't picking up your phone. What was I supposed to do?". A stern look from Amelia told her that she wasn't buying it and she elaborated, "I may have gotten a call from someone who was worried about you too, asking me to get down here".

It didn't take a genius to figure out who that had been. "He had no right to meddle" Amelia said, "I'm fine".

"No you're not, and I think you're in trouble" The last time Addison had used that line was right before she'd gone off the deep end. That wasn't the case now though. "Addie, I won't do drugs again. Not after last time. So you can stop worrying".

Addison smiled sadly, "I know and that's not why I'm worried. You're running yourself into the ground, working day and night. When's the last time you went home? Slept in you own bed?" She questioned.

Amelia looked down at her lap, "I can't go home". Sympathy filled Addison's eyes, "Amelia..." She started to say, but Amelia interrupted her before she could go on. "I just can't okay? It's empty and full of memories and I just can't be there. After everything.. I can't let myself feel, because I don't know if I could come back from that".

Before she could stop it tears started flowing from her eyes. "It's all my fault Addie" She said and she covered her face with her hands. Addison scooted closer to Amelia and rubbed soothing circles down her spine.

"All the men I love keep dying. Meredith was right to leave me behind. I killed her husband".

Addison didn't know what to say. "You didn't do this Amelia". It was a phrase she'd heard so many times before that it'd lost all it's meaning. "I did. I was so mad at her. She tried to warn me off Owen, to protect him from me. But I told her to stay out of it, that until she'd lost to love of her life she couldn't judge me. And then two days later she did. She was right to protect him, and herself".

"Sweetie, you saying something doesn't make it come true. You've had the worst luck in the world. You've been dealt the tough hand and you've overcome so many losses, but you never caused them. I'm still alive, Henry's still alive, and so is Owen".

Amelia took a deep breath and looked up again. "Because he's smart enough to get on a plane and go to a warzone. Because he knows he'll be safer there".

Bringing Owen into the conversation hadn't had the intended effect and Addison sighed. "Amelia, you're Henry's godmother. Do you honestly think I would ever let you near him if I thought it could hurt him in any way? Everyone you love is better off having you ín their lives. Not to mention the countless of patients you've saved".

Tears were still streaming down Amelia's cheeks but she looked slightly hopeful now. "Do you really think it isn't me?". Addison smiled broadly at the small victory, "Of course. None of it is your fault Amelia, you didn't cause any of this. Nobody blames you, and you shouldn't either".

The neurosurgeon smiled weakly. Rationally it did make a lot more sense that it was just the universe's messed up balance, and that she had just suffered more than the average human. She felt relief wash over her. It wasn't her fault.

"He's leaving Addie" Amelia said with a small voice. Addison cupped her cheek. "Then go talk to him before he does. Tell him how you feel. Let yourself love. You deserve to be happy Amelia".

"But his plane leaves tonight. He's probably already at the airport".

Addison jumped up from the couch. "Then let's go, I'll drive you. We can have a girls night after you talk to him. Come on, get moving" She added when Amelia didn't get up immediately.

Amelia smiled as they sped through the hallway. She really did have an amazing big sister.

 _xXx_

They ran through the airport trying to find Owen before it was too late. It had been easy enough to find the right gate but now they still had to find Owen, in the midst of all these people.

Amelia stopped moving as she spotted April saying goodbye to Jackson a few meters to her left. That had to mean that Owen was nearby. Not five seconds later she saw him. He was staring at April and Jackson with a sad look in his eyes and Amelia froze.

She had no idea what to say to him. No idea where to even start. But she didn't have time to consider the best approach, because just then he noticed her, and surprise lit up his features. She still couldn't move, but Addison noticed and nudged her forward. "Go".

It was only a thirty foot walk that divided them, but it felt like an immeasurable distance. It felt as though hours passed as Amelia gradually moved closer to him.

"Hey" She said as she came to a halt. His confusion was plastered all over his face, but there was also a hint of something else she couldn't quite place. Was it joy?

"Amelia, what are you doing here?" Owen asked, and she knew she had to answer him truthfully if this was going to work. "I needed to talk to you. I just.." She paused momentarily and took a deep breath, "Okay, here it is. I'm falling in love with you. And with everything that's been going on in my life, I've been terrified. Of losing you but also of screwing things up and basically of allowing myself to be happy. But I don't wanna live in fear anymore, because that's not living. And I needed you to know, before you left, that I'm all in, if you still want me".

She said it quickly, without taking a breath, but it was enough to convey the message, and Owen steps closer to her. "Why now?". A hurt look crossed her features at his words and he hurried to elaborate. "Not that I'm not happy. I feel the same way, I just… Don't understand why now, right before I'm due to leave".

"Because life is too short. Because you called Addie, because you knew that was exactly what you needed. Because you're going to a war zone" She answered truthfully, "And because I can't risk you dying without knowing that I love you".

It was the first time she'd ever told him she loved him and his face lit up. Owen cupped her face and their eyes met. "I won't go. I can stay. I'll stay". But Amelia shook her head, "You can't stay for me. You have to go Owen, you signed up for a reason. Just promise me something. Promise me you'll come back to me".

He kissed her then. Because he'd so missed kissing her these last few weeks, and because that kiss was a promise. His promise to her, his vow to come home to her, and his pledge that they'd make things work.

"I'll write you. And I'll call" He said as he pulled away again. She smiled, "You better". He looked down at his watch and noticed it was time to board his plane. "I have to go" He remarked sadly, and with disappointment evident in his voice, "I'll text you when I land".

Amelia merely nodded, because she wasn't sure if she'd be able to control the quiver in her voice if she'd speak. And she kissed him again, heartbroken at the realisation that it'd be there last kiss for a long time, when they'd just gotten back together. So she made it count.

When they pulled apart again Owen gently stroked her cheek and then turned around determinedly. As he walked away tears started falling from her eyes.

Amelia kept watching him until he was completely out of sight, and then she turned around, hugging addison, who'd walked up behind her for moral support. As Amelia cried into Addison's shoulder she thought about what she'd just done. Sending the man she loved off to a warzone.

This was going to be a big emotional blow for her, not to mention a big adjustment. But she'd deal with that later. Tonight they were gonna watch movies and catch up and she was going to listen to Addison telling stories about Henry. The rest could wait until tomorrow.

 **AN: I thought this was my tenth Grey's fanfic, turns out it the eleventh... Oops... You could say I have a problem, but let's just think of it as a good thing for now. I hope you liked it, let me know what you think! Xx**


End file.
